Girls should come with a carfax report
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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