Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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