TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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