Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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