I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
