The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
