There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
