I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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