A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
