I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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