my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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