What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We left the knife in your bed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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