I love black thongs
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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