he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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