it hurts more in the daytime
Too much gin, very little bucket
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
