Your face is a jimmy john
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
