I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
