Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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