Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
