I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why are your pants in the freezer?