Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
