so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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