I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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