I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
