i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
