I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
