If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
