Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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