She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
