I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
