I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
