Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
