Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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