I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Sober January is a disaster.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
