Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
