So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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