I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
