Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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