On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
