I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
