If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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