i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
