if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
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I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
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I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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