I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
