i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
