And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
