how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
