Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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