I'm lost and stupid without you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
