she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
