did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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