I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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