Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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