I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
