The maid of honor just puked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10