Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
