Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
