Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
