A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
