Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
