this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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