i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
