dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
