The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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