Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
